"Remember as far as anyone knows, were a nice normal family." = Homer
"No son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kid's with fake ID's." = Homer
"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution too, all of lifes problems." = Homer
"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol." = Homer
"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." = Homer
"Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? How many times do I have to tell you YES!" = Homer & kids
"Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand." = Homer
"Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening." = Homer
"Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what? = Moe
"You can't ask God to kill someone, you do your own dirty work." = Homer
"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?" = Homer
"Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart." = Homer
"Remember to rebel against the authorities, kids!" = Homer (words I live buy)
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in." = Homer
"Oh look at me !!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh by the way... I was being sarcastic." = Homer
"Once the sun goes down, all the weirdos turn crazy!" = Homer
"Stupid risks make life worth living." = Homer
"I don't mind being called a liar when I am lying, when I am about to lie or just finished lying... but not when I am telling the truth." = Homer
"Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail." = Homer
"I am not going to lie to you, Marge... ... ... Well, good bye." = Homer
"Don't worry honey, daddy will fix that broken animal." = Homer
"People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight." = Homer
"Lisa, remember me as I am - filled with murderous rage." = Homer
"I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!" = Homer
"This is a place for learning, not a house of... hearing about things." = Homer
"This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit." = Homer
"Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That's the American way." = Homer
"My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay." = Homer
"They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die." = Homer
"Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?" = Homer
"Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son." = Lionel Hutz
Marge: "Homer! There's someone here who can help you..."
Homer: "Is it Batman?"
Marge: "No, he's a scientist."
Homer: "Batman's a scientist?!"
Marge: "It's not Batman!"
Homer: " Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?"
Marge: "Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa."
Lisa: "Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product."
Bart: "You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?"
Homer: "Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning."
Marge: "Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart."
Homer: "Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out."
Marge: "Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said."
Homer: "Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case."
Bart: "Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to."
Homer: "Bart, go to your room."
Lisa: "Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?"
Homer: "Well, I think the veal died of loneliness."
Ralph: "That's my swingset, and that's my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun."
Bart: "Right, the leprechaun."
Ralph: " He told me to burn things."
Ralph: "My cat's breath smells like cat food."
Ralph: "Even my boogers are spicy!"
Grandpa: "Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot."
Marge: "Homer, is this how you pictured married life?"
Homer: "Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries."
Kent Brockman: "Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. At 3:00 PM Friday, local aurocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive". "
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff. ~ Moe
Renee (Moe?s girlfriend): "Really, you think I?m gorgeous?"
Moe: "Yeah, well the parts that are showing. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something."
Renee: "You don?t talk to a lot of women do you?"
Homer: "Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield."
Lisa: "Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away."
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down." ~ Homer
Burns: "I suggest you leave immediately"
Homer: "Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?"
Moe: "Hi, my name's Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, 'hey you in the bushes'."
Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
Ned Flanders: "You ugly hate-filled man."
Moe: "Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but ... uh ... what was that last thing you said?"
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! ~ Homer
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. ~ Homer
What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it. ~ Bart
Lionel Hutz: "This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story."
Carl: "Oh no! Homer's going over those falls!"
Lenny: "Oh good! He snagged that tree branch."
Carl: "Oh no! The branch broke off!"
Lenny: "Oh good! He can grab onto them pointy rocks!"
Carl: "Oh no! Them pointy rocks broke his arms and legs."
Lenny: "Oh good! Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him!"
Carl: "Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his pants!"
Announcer: "Your cable television is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless."
Wiggum (checking): "Well I'll be damned."
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ~ Homer
Bart: "What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding ... "
Homer: "Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they're defending themselves somehow. "
Homer: "Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."
Homer: "I'll never wiggle my bare butt it public again
Lisa: I'd like to beleive that this time, I really would."
Grandpa: "Are we there yet?"
Homer: "No"
Grandpa: "Are we there yet?"
Homer: "No"
Grandpa: "Are we there yet?"
Homer: "No"
Grandpa:" ........Where are we going?"
Homer: "Okay, I'm never going to win Father Of The Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa."
Judge: "And Margaret?"
Homer: "Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file."
Marge: "She's talking about Maggie."
Homer: "Oh, Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie."
Mr. Burns: "What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"
Bart: "Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia."
Homer: "Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV."
Apu: "Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!" [runs off]
Lunch Lady Doris: "More testicles mean more iron."
Homer: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
Homer: "The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication."
Krusty: "Thirty-five years in show business and already nobody remembers me. Just like what's his name, and whos-its, and you know, that guy, who always wore a shirt."
Bart: "Well if your souls real where is it?"
Milhouse: "It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying god bless you crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!"
Bart: "What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean."
Milhouse: "Oh, it can swim, it's even got wheels, incase you die in the desert and have to drive to the cemetary."
Homer: "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
Marge: "My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first."
Mayor Quimby: "Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards."
Sideshow Bob: "You want the truth! You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!"
Bart to Milhouse: "How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid?"
Milhouse: "We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy."
Homer: "I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!"
Moe: "People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine."
Corgan: "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins."
Homer: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."
Lisa: "Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."
Marge: "Bart, stop pestering Satan!"
Lisa: "Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon."
Moe: "All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog."
Kent Brockman: "Tonight a city weeps, as, for the first time ever, a hockey arena becomes the scene of violence following a concert by Spinal Tap"
